I made some changes to my site over the past few days but as soon as I made them, something felt "wrong". I feel like I’m really really close to something but changing the approach of this site to "house" my business activities (i.e. web design, etc) is "wrong". I just know it deep down in my gut intuitively (which is probably why I didn’t like doing it the first time I tried adding work stuff to it before).
The best way I could describe it is that I want this site to represent my inner core as a person. Not sure if you want to call it my values, culture, or whatever. I just know it’s not about selling something. It’s about giving something instead. It’s about sharing my experiences, feelings, and thoughts about things that are truly meaningful and important to me, whether they make sense to everyone or not. All I know is that in sharing them, possibly someone out there will connect with what I’m saying and it will make sense to them.
As for work (i.e. web design), well I’m still pursuing that but if I set something up, I’ll set it up on another site somewhere else. For now, I’ll keep my portfolio up here but once I get a business site setup elsewhere, I’ll transfer it there.
And for those who have been following my blog for a while and seem to get some insight from it into their own lives, I just want to reiterate something I’ve said in the past on this site and to others directly in emails. I don’t know everything. I’m just like many people in life who are winging it, trying to make meaning of their lives from day to day. I think that’s why I feel so strange hyping my own work (yet as a business I know you’re "supposed" to want to look "perfect" and to have the "spotlight" on yourself). I know some people think my work is great but I just feel like it’s ok and there’s something else I’m supposed to be doing instead.
Actually I’ll reiterate what I told someone else before. I have this feeling deep down inside of me (my intuition again I guess) that’s telling me that all of the skills and knowledge I’ve acquired over the years are not meant to draw attention to myself but instead to be used to draw attention to something else. Again the more emphasis I seem to place on myself, the more I feel like I’m going in the wrong direction. It’s almost as though I don’t want people to be looking at me but at something else that I’m supposed to be working on that is meaningfully important to me somehow in making the world a better place (even if just locally around me).
What is this work? I’m still not 100% sure yet but I feel like I’m really close to it though. For now, the best I can do is keep relaying the meaningful feelings and experiences I’m having because it feels "right" to do so and it seems to maintain my "flow". Hopefully, with time, more will be revealed. One day at a time I guess (and that seems to be my new favorite phrase lately as I continue to work at putting the pieces of this puzzle together).