Do you know that feeling where you see someone struggling with something that seems simple from your perspective but they’re not struggling to the point that it’s frustrating for them, as they are slowly figuring it out on their own?
My natural reaction in situations like this in the past was to jump in, explain things to simplify it for them, and thus help them.
At least that’s what I thought I was doing.
But more and more I’m realizing that I’m using a veil of “helping someone” as an excuse to micro-manage others and in doing so, gain a sense of control and superiority in my life.
Like I try to have a feeling of knowing everything and having everything figured out, like an “expert” know-it-all, when obviously I don’t.
And what’s even more interesting is that the more and more I become aware of my behaviours and patterns around this, the more and more it seems difficult to let go of this behaviour because it’s been so ingrained within me over the years.
Now when it happens, it feels like I’m outside of myself watching my “self” play this role, this script, that I can’t let go of.
Thus in terms of a role-playing game, it’s like I’m the “player” playing a “character” but I’ve lost control of my “character” because I’ve become so lost and immersed within the role, that it’s on autopilot now.
Because of this awareness of my “self” continually repeating this script, I’m actually working on trying to let go of controlling the situation. And it’s monumentally hard to do so.
The key thing I try to keep in my mind when doing so is that unless, the person has actually asked me for help, I actually have to let them make their own mistakes.
Why?
Because that’s how we learn.
If someone’s continually helping you then you will rarely remember how to solve the issue on your own but will instead often become dependent upon them for help instead.
I noticed this both in terms of helping my sister in the past with computers problems, as well as helping my wife with computer problems as well.
So now I’m trying to not always take control of the situation and just let go, so that my wife can learn and figure things out on her own.
More importantly though, if you let someone figure something out on their own, you may be surprised at how they resolve things on their own in their own time, instead of trying to control and resolve the situation yourself.
This is creative emergence.
And at times, I’m surprised at what the person figures out.
In effect, they achieve a new way of doing something because they have a different perspective and way of being within the world.
So often by me trying to control the situation and prevent someone from working something through on their own, I’m actually potentially limiting the unique creativity of the person that is wanting an opportunity to express itself in the world, even in the smallest ways.
But ya, it’s monumentally hard to let go of this older pattern, story, and narrative of who I used to be, thus allowing newer patterns to emerge in others.
And perhaps in the process allow newer patterns, newer ways of being, to emerge in myself as well.