Author: Nollind Whachell

I have no idea what I’m doing. 

Actually that’s not fully true. 

What I’m doing is following where my intuition is leading me but there is no certainty as to where that is going. 

So perhaps a better way of saying how I feel is this. 

I don’t know where I’m going. 

But at the same time, I don’t feel lost. 

I feel like something is guiding me but I can’t explain it rationally, nor is there any certainty as to where I’m going. 

Do you know that feeling where you see someone struggling with something that seems simple from your perspective but they’re not struggling to the point that it’s frustrating for them, as they are slowly figuring it out on their own?

My natural reaction in situations like this in the past was to jump in, explain things to simplify it for them, and thus help them.

At least that’s what I thought I was doing.

But more and more I’m realizing that I’m using a veil of “helping someone” as an excuse to micro-manage others and in doing so, gain a sense of control and superiority in my life.

Like I try to have a feeling of knowing everything and having everything figured out, like an “expert” know-it-all, when obviously I don’t.

And what’s even more interesting is that the more and more I become aware of my behaviours and patterns around this, the more and more it seems difficult to let go of this behaviour because it’s been so ingrained within me over the years.

Now when it happens, it feels like I’m outside of myself watching my “self” play this role, this script, that I can’t let go of.

Thus in terms of a role-playing game, it’s like I’m the “player” playing a “character” but I’ve lost control of my “character” because I’ve become so lost and immersed within the role, that it’s on autopilot now.

Because of this awareness of my “self” continually repeating this script, I’m actually working on trying to let go of controlling the situation. And it’s monumentally hard to do so.

The key thing I try to keep in my mind when doing so is that unless, the person has actually asked me for help, I actually have to let them make their own mistakes.

Why?

Because that’s how we learn.

If someone’s continually helping you then you will rarely remember how to solve the issue on your own but will instead often become dependent upon them for help instead.

I noticed this both in terms of helping my sister in the past with computers problems, as well as helping my wife with computer problems as well.

So now I’m trying to not always take control of the situation and just let go, so that my wife can learn and figure things out on her own.

More importantly though, if you let someone figure something out on their own, you may be surprised at how they resolve things on their own in their own time, instead of trying to control and resolve the situation yourself.

This is creative emergence.

And at times, I’m surprised at what the person figures out.

In effect, they achieve a new way of doing something because they have a different perspective and way of being within the world.

So often by me trying to control the situation and prevent someone from working something through on their own, I’m actually potentially limiting the unique creativity of the person that is wanting an opportunity to express itself in the world, even in the smallest ways.

But ya, it’s monumentally hard to let go of this older pattern, story, and narrative of who I used to be, thus allowing newer patterns to emerge in others.

And perhaps in the process allow newer patterns, newer ways of being, to emerge in myself as well.

Most people are tired of know-it-alls. People who communicate and explain things from the side lines outside the game, as though they have mastered everything already.

What people want instead are not-know-it-alls. People who communicate what it feels like from inside the game, as though there are right there beside you on the same journey, lost adventuring in the deep woods with you.

The first is playing a role in life, wearing a mask of perfection to seek extrinsic rewards. The second realizes their role is to play with life, as that is its own intrinsic reward.

I’ve been having a pretty profound experience helping someone on Reddit recently because I’m realizing more and more that I’m not really helping them so much as they are helping me.

In effect, my experience trying to teach someone my framework is actually teaching me.

The reason for this is because I’ve had a profound realization recently about this person that mirrors a realization about myself.

I basically told the person that whenever their larger sense of Self is trying to help someone to just listen to their own words that they’ve communicated to that person and then turn around and apply them to their own life.

Why? Because those words they are communicating are often the words of their larger sense of Self. So it’s a Self who is caring and loving and wants to help others…including themselves.

So with this process, one is able to start leading themselves and overcome their base “self” who often beats themselves up and sees themselves as worthless or without value.

This is the same very thing I need to be doing myself.

While I’ve made huge improvements in not beating myself up as much as I used to do a decade or more ago, shifting to a Self-Transforming Mind often puts greater perceived expectations on my “self” that often can seem monumental in the moment.

But if I take the same stance and learn from what my deeper, larger sense of Self is trying to communicate to others, I can also learn and grow from the experience and my Self as well.

It’s funny. In the book Anti-Hero by Richard Wilson (along with Matthew Kálmán Mezey & Nick Nielsen), there’s a diagram that shows the differences between a Socialized Mind, Self-Authoring Mind, and a Self-Transforming Mind.

In terms of the Self-Authoring Mind, the focus is on being “independent,” whereby the “leader learns to lead.”

In comparison with the Self-Transforming Mind, the focus is on being “interdependent,” whereby the “leader leads to learn.”

That’s effectively what it feels like for me right now, even though I’ve been in leadership positions before in my life, at least from a Self-Authoring Mind perspective.

But it feels like I’m walking out into completely unknown territory now from a Self-Transforming Mind perspective. So I can’t really think my way through this experience so much as I have to feel my way through it.

So I need to intuitively probe my way first and then rationally make sense of what’s going on afterwards (which relates to the Complex domain of the Cynefin framework).